Planning Our Future, Together

One of the hardest things about being married for me (aside from divvying up the household chores and living in tight quarters) has been getting used to the whole notion of shared decision making.  I don’t know about a lot of you, but prior to getting married I was an independent person who really did not rely on anyone else to make important life decisions. Sure, I would ask my parents or close friends, people who I trust and respect, for advice from time to time, but when push came to shove, I was the one responsible for my fate. And there is a lot of freedom in not having to answer to anyone but yourself. That changes quite a bit once you say “I do.” All of sudden, you are a part of a team. And every decision, big or small, has the ability to impact the other person. So it is important that couples get into the habit of making these decisions together. Otherwise you could find yourself in an unhappy situation down the road (to say the least).

The first time I really came face to face with this idea of having to make any/all decisions TOGETHER was last fall when my phone died. At the time, Jason and I still had separate Verizon accounts and while we had been talking about getting on a family share plan and upgrading our phones, we had not yet taken that step. When my phone died, it seemed like just that push we needed to move ahead.  Well it just so happened my phone died two weeks before the Motorola Droid was about to come out. And being the tech guru that he is, Jason just did not want to make any changes to his account/upgrade his phone until the Droid was out.  Basically he thought I should just go two weeks without a phone. I, on the other hand, thought I deserved to be able to communicate with the outside world and that he should stop being a poop-head (to put it nicely). So for two days we argued about stinking phones. Eventually, we found a compromise that met both our needs (and that allowed us both to get Droids in the process) but it certainly illustrated to me just how complicated this whole marriage/making decisions together thing can be.

Fast forward to the last several months where we have moved past phones and are now talking about much bigger things like how much money to spend/save and where to live. Jason and I have been talking about our future A LOT lately. As I previously mentioned, we are saving up to buy a house.  But before we can take that step we need to figure out where we should be looking. The DC Metro area is pretty big. And where you live here depends on a) how much you can afford (given that the DC metro area is also one of the most expensive areas to live in) and b) where you work/how far you are willing to commute (assuming you aren't millionaires which we are not).

Jason and I are both considering whether we want to change jobs in the not too distant future which means that issue needs to be figured out before we can get too far in the housing search. This is turning out to be easier said than done. Already we are running in to issues of possible job opportunities that are NO WHERE near each other (i.e. potentially in different states, several hours away from each other) which means one of three things could happen:  1) one or both of us could end up with a really bad commute (which neither of us particularly want to do) if we both end up with these disparate jobs and try to live somewhere in the middle; 2) one of us may end up not being able to pursue the job he/she is interested in (also a sucky option); and/or 3) we may end up having to leave the DC Metro area completely.

This is complicated stuff. Really complicated.  To be honest, I am really scared that someone could end up unhappy and maybe even resentful down the road if we aren’t careful. But I am comforted by the fact that we are both open to the possibilities, that we are talking about it a lot, and we are committed to finding a compromise that will make both of us happy in the long-run.  (I am also keeping my fingers crossed that other opportunities will come up that won’t necessitate us having to make some of these difficult choices.)  And if nothing else, I know that we are in it together (which is one of the best things about being married).